i don't know  what to fucking do any more. i just feel so goddamned alone and miserable. i even finally broke down and tried to call my insurance about a therapist, but of course its a weekend and they're closed.and i know tomorrow i won't think of it. i only ever think about it when i'm like this, and  today was just a deep enough low for my to try it.

i was looking at the train as i came home. i could have touched it. it was going slow enough that i could have jumped under the tires. i wondered how much it would hurt and if i would bleed out before anyone got to me. i'm such a fucking chicken. can't even kill myself.

I'm thinking about sending this to people. i wonder if "ted" would ever even see it. i wish i could show it to someone, that i could talk to someone about what to do or even just to get some of this off my chest. but i don't think i can really talk to any one as an equal about this. they'll either have an "answer", wouldn't know what i'm talking about, or won't respond until it's too late.

more than anything, that's what i want. just someone to talk to. i'm always there when someone needs a shoulder to cry on, but i can never open up completely to anyone else.

i feel like i should say something else here, but i also feel very tired and empty now. i guess i'll stop here.